Nerdjacking
by igotthetrotts
Summary: Comic relief is used to break up the monotony of every straight-laced day in life. Reader discretion is advised.


**A/N: Hello! This is a collaboration story between good and wise friends. This story is meant to be comic relief, please read and review. If you decide to leave a scathing one being immature and stupid over this immature and stupid story, you will be mocked over and over and over again for taking it sooo seriously. **

**WARNING: Proceed with caution, if you dare. This story is not for the faint of heart, or people with discrimination against whales, peanut butter, or Muff Diving. You have been warned.**

**Disclaimer: All things _Twilight_ are associated with Stephenie Meyer and Stephenie Meyer alone. We own nothing except this twisted, snarky plot.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

**Peppers burn, and so do STDs**

Edward was a vampire. His throat burned for my blood- the sweetest blood he had ever smelled or tasted in his entire existence. And yet despite that he loved me almost as much as I loved him. I was not unaware of my incredibly normal and plain self especially next to him and his breathtakingly beautiful features. That's how Edward was to everyone not just me. He dazzled countless, but in the end he chose me.

He was able to walk in the daylight, a myth that was shot down fast in my interrogation. It seemed so far away now as if we'd been together for eons instead of months. That's how time worked I guess. I'd get a better taste of it once I was turned. I'd have a lot of time on my hands then and all of it to devote to Edward. He didn't burn in the daylight, but his smooth marble skin did dazzle me like his smile. It sparkled and burned my retinas with its glittery reflections. It took my breath away everything I saw it.

Except the time Alice was having a disco phase and used Edward as the disco ball. That time it also took my breath away, but made me piss my pants from laughing. I remembered how everyone stopped what they were doing the second the scent floated up to their hyper-sensitive noses. And the looks of disgust on their faces as they hightailed it out of there. Not that I could blame them, human feces was disgusting to humans it must have smelt 100 fold worse to them. Rose never let me live it down. For my last birthday she had bought me Depends diapers, for men.

That about summed up my relationship with her. She hated me, the feeling was mutual. Alice however was slightly more sensitive to the issue. Whenever we were having fun she actually made sure to bring the adult diapers in case of an accident. It was humiliating that that was what they thought every time I laughed. I never used the bathroom at their house anymore either, after that.

But Edward, my Edward, never looked at me differently. I was fairly certain he would love me no matter what. It enthralled me, and confused me all at once. There was an incident where we had been making out and I had been corked up for a week. His hands were everyone something that was unusual for him and his iron clad self-control. His hands snaked up to my breasts and I arched up into it moaning my satisfaction. He slivered the other one down to my hips and pulled them to his and just like that, there in the middle of my unbridled passion, I let one rip.

My cheeks, I'm sure, glowed with enough embarrassment to put Rudolph's lead the way in fog nose to shame. I barely had the chance to mutter, "Human minute," before I shot off the bed like a fuse and ran into the bathroom. I fumbled my pants down, barely making it to the toilet before everything burst, or rather exploded. The bathroom walls echoed the sounds making me feel like I was in the middle of world war III. Me against the toilet. I felt like crying when Edward's tentative voice sounded outside the door.

"Bella, are you-"

_PFFFFFTTTTT _

A particularly loud fart interrupted his concern, and I felt a great release after that. I slumped forward, not caring that I would hit the ground, or that I hadn't even wiped yet. I felt amazing at that point and I was so into my own little world that I didn't notice I hadn't hit the floor. Edward had caught me again. I couldn't even bring myself to feel embarrassed that he was picking me off the floor, or starting the shower. I was just glad that it was over. The next thing I knew I woke up in my ratty pajamas. I was so embarrassed I didn't leave my room for a week after that. I didn't even see Edward; I couldn't face him after that.

It turned out that my concern was unneeded. Edward came back to me as always and explained that he was not disgusted or turned off by me. When he had wanted me to experience everything human before the big change, body functions were included. I was so relieved, and so happy. I did not deserve Edward. He was a saint, I was sure of it. Especially when it happened to be a certain time of the month.

I would never confront him on the fact that I knew he stole my tampons after I was done with them. They were never there when I emptied my bathroom trash and his molten gold eyes had a tinge of red on the edges for days afterwards. I wasn't embarrassed about that, unless he had a string in his hair, which I'd caught on more than once occasion. He thirsted for my blood, if that is what it took for us to be together then I would sacrifice every tampon or pad I'd ever use. He meant that much to me.

His love was the burning of a thousand suns, a deep contrast to every fiber of his being, and it burned me inside and out until I was choking on the flames as they consumed me. I could never doubt him or that. But as of late, he had been acting strangely. Edward had always made sure I was fed since I was endearingly human as he liked to say. More and more recently though, he was getting to the point of force feeding me and over feeding me. I liked to eat, just as much as the next person, but he was taking it to the extreme, even for Edward.

He had started packing lunches for me that consisted of bacon-butter sandwiches (extra butter), Twinkies, potato chips, and trail mix. The latter, I think was to make it appear more nutritionally sound, when really I had already gained 11 pounds in the past month. When he had been spying on me weighing myself his eyes had gleamed with glee for but a second before he had his Edward mask in place again. When I confronted him on the fact he merely shrugged it off claiming that eating fattening foods would be something I'd never be able to experience again after I joined his family.

When he said this, the only thing that popped into my mind was an image of me- cold, hard, unbreakable, with honeyed eyes and tipping the scales at 300 pounds…for eternity. I would never be able to shed the weight. Forever frozen at 19 years old and the size of a baby humpback whale. Rosalie, Alice, Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, and Edward standing around me, graceful and ethereal, while I looked like I belonged in a slaughter house, or as collateral for a marriage in the dark ages.

_I will give you three "Bella's" for your daughter's hand in marriage. Me, naked, on all fours the size of a semi-truck, my face buried in a bucket of slop while queer middle aged folk discussed how many of me would feed their families for a year_.

I was horrified to the point of having clandestine meetings after dinner. In my own bathroom. Binging and purging took practice. Soon I was used to the clenching feeling in my stomach after meals reminding me it was time to purge. Drinking lots of liquids served two purposes to me- the first being that I would soon have a liquid diet anyway so I should get used to it, the second was that it helped everything come up easier. I never noticed any weight loss, but I noticed there was no weight gain. Edward was secretly frustrated with this and started doubling the servings. In front of him I had to eat it, but when he wasn't with me I'd throw it away to save myself worshipping the porcelain alter at night.

That was what brought me to the present. I was getting ready for dinner tonight. Edward was taking me out to some fancy restaurant in Port Angeles. He claimed we needed to talk. For a guy who could read minds (except mine) he was clueless to the fact that those are just about the worst words you can say to a girl besides, "I'm not sure if it's syphilis or Gonorrhea, looks like both, but don't worry we can clear it up so it doesn't infect the baby."

I had a bad feeling about tonight.

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><p><strong>Et Voila! Chapter one is done. Chapter two shall surface depending on feedback. Any feedback is welcome! And even if you don't like the story let us know (maturely). On that note, WE LOVE REVIEWS!<strong>

**Questions? Comments? Dollar bills? Leave them in a review! (except the dollar bills, PM for address to send to!)**


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